My daughters experience with her own blackness
Self-confidence without a great foundation is easily shattered.
Mom does my complexion make me ugly?
My daughter is a very confident eight year old. She is not afraid to ask questions, speak up or make new friends. Where she lacks confidence is in the color of her skin. And that lack of confidence in her complexion has been bred by family and friends. My mom often say “You so pretty for a dark girl” or my sister would say “She is a good looking darkie.” In the moments that I am there and hear them say these things I often get defensive and ask “Can’t you just say she is beautiful without mentioning the color of her skin.” I have never heard anyone say “You so pretty for a white girl.” What they do say is you’re beautiful or you’re cute and color is never mentioned. To me my daughter is beautiful; simply beautiful. She is beautiful and wonderfully made. I just wish she knew it.
Children practice what they see others doing and colorism is imbedded in our society. Our children are taught it from the moment they leave the womb. “Check the ear and fingers” our parents say, “those determine the complexion the baby will grow up to be.” I’ve actually heard some parents sigh with a breath of fresh air when they realize the child will be lighter skinned. They scorn darker tones without even realize they are doing it. I know my mom never recognized this until I pointed it out to her.
So when my daughter went to school and came home and asked “Mom does my complexion make me ugly?” I was not surprised because this type of behavior is normal for our society even though it should not be. This divisive “gift” that the slave owners passed onto us still lives on strong.
Foundation Shattered
Now even the best of us grown ups who are super confident to the extent where it comes across as arrogant are hurt by what other says to us. So what about an eight year old who has not learned how to manage her feelings yet. She therefore gets easily hurt by people who refer to her complexion in seemingly positive and negative ways.
She gets so hurt that she often says I wish I was white. Now that hurts me. It hurts me to my core. When asked why she wants to be white my daughter responded by saying everyone loves the lighter skinned kids and they don’t get teased mommy even if they are ugly. To her being lighted skinned is better and I’m not surprised because we foster this behaviour in our children through our unconscious actions and biases.
What I do to counteract this
The only thing I can really, tell her she wonderfully and beautifully made every day, multiple times a day. I do this hoping that one day that positive reinforcement seeps into her mind and no matter what anyone says it won’t affect her because her foundation would be rock solid.
I also make it a point to compliment other persons who have her skin tone in her presence. This helps her to identity with them. For example I showed her the model Alec Wek to affirm that beauty was not stagnant and that it should not be boxed but bold and forward thinking. That beauty is in each and everyone of us waiting for us to accept her hand and the unique changes our beauty experiences as we grow older, wiser and accepting of ourselves everyday.
